What does “the disease of addiction” mean to me?
The disease of addiction is like any other progressive and fatal disease: a matter of life and death. Addiction can be arrested, but it cannot be reversed. What this mean is I will never stop being an addict, but I can stop acting on my disease. This disease is physical, mental, and spiritual, meaning that all aspects of a person are affected.
Has my disease been active recently? In what way?
I especially suffer from the compulsive and obsessive aspects of the disease. I get these stupid ideas in my head and that run around. Conspiculously, they always involve or end up with me using.
I recently relapsed, due to sadness, boredom, and anxiety. I started to become psychologically conflicted about drug use. I discovered that active use adds to my instability, and results in negative moods and behavior. I hope this is the last time I need to be reminded of the effects of drug use.
What is it like when I’m obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe.
I focus on whatever it is, and everything I want to do involves it somehow. My thoughts revolve about this one thing, and I can’t feel relieved until I do it.
When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?
I don’t act on it immediately. I try to apply logic or talk to a friend about it. It doesn’t always help, though. The idea just becomes stronger and more fixed in my mind…it becomes an itch that has to be relieved. Then, I end up acting on it, after partially contemplating the consequences, and how to best react to them or mitagate their severity.
How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?
My disease worries and disappoints those around me, which I’m becoming aware of and unhappy about to an increasing degree in my recovery. It makes me unstable, unpredictable, needy, and self-loathing – I fail to live up to my own standards for my behavior.
How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?
My disease contributed to health difficulties and weight issues. Mentally, it’s destabilized me, and distracted me from education. Spiritually, it’s killed me – it’s caused a lack of integrity in my life.
What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?
Actual use, scattered thinking and self-obsession.
Have I been obsessed with a person, place or thing? If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with others? How else have I been affected mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally by this obsession?
Yes. I’ve been obsessing over people associated with my drug use, and the city in which I used. I’ve been mentally preoccupied, physically uncomfortable, and spiritually and emotionally disturbed.