Powerlessness

Over what, exactly am I powerless?

OTHER PEOPLE. FINE, GOD, I GIVE UP. Y’ALL CAN HAVE YOUR REEFER AND DOPE; I WON’T SAY ANYTHING ‘CAUSE I CAN’T DO ANYTHING. My vag is not the cure for addiction. 😦 LORD, DIDN’T I TRY, THOUGH.

I GIVE UP, IT’S IN THE HANDS OF GOD NOW. Which it’s always been.

*sigh of relief* That felt gooooooooOOoOooOOoOd.

I am not at all in control of my addiction, and that disease CAN and WILL start up before I pick up. It’s always waiting, like Charlie in the jungle, doing push-ups in the parking lot, etc. Basically, on a GOOD day, I’m one step ahead of that bitch. I’m usually neck-and-neck with it…

Since I have this weird…problem with being around people who use, especially the male portion of users…I cut them bitches out, and I’m taking that in account with men in the future. It’s like I have SARS but it’s inactive…if I run into someone else with SARS, we’ll make super-SARS and die, taking other with us? HELP ME. CLEARLY I NEED SOME HELP I’M NOT GETTING RIGHT NOW.

I’ve done things while acting out on my addictioni that I would never do when focusing on recovery. What were they?

Misleading people, manipulating people, being a bad-ass bitch…I learned a lot from myself in addict mode, but I’m still working on integrating my shadow aspect. I went into a lot of detail in my last first and fifth step, some of that does not need to be on the interwebz…Since then, I’ve gotten high, and re-lit a spark just for the sweet, sweet dope. This is why your humble narrator can’t be around men who use. 😦 She uses the users, who use her and oh god it’s just a mess. Mary, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.

What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went completely against all my beliefs and values?

Okay, so I’m sweet, kinda cute, and under normal circumstances straightforward and honest…but I come off as naive and innocent…I take advantage of that, a lot. Big city guys love the small town white girl thing, they just eat that shit up with a spoon, dude, they really do… “Is that marijuana? “”What’s up with that tobacco?””What’s in this pipe?” has gotten me high and laid so many times, dude…I feel bad for innocent girls, I really do, some men are goddamn wolves, dude.I learned this from guys, dude, I really did. Y’all spun game on me hard until I caught on and spun it back, and I generally keep my game playing to other players…lol, don’t piss me off.

How does my personality change when I’m acting out on my addiction?

I’m self-centered while still maintaining a veneer of my sweetness… I’m super friendly, everybody’s friend even if I’m not….I can make anyone feel like the center of my universe…I have to make up for in sweetness for what I can do in physical force and intimidation. I’m still loyal to those I trust though, and never give the impression that I’m tighter than I am with a person, that is deceptive as hell and evil. I give the impression that I’m interested, though, lord help me – it’s a good game to play though, you figure out where you stand, fast.

Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction?

Yes, I just answered this.

Have I tried to quit using and found that I couldn’t? Have I quit using on my own and found that my life was so painful without drugs that my abstinence didn’t last very long?

Yes to all. They were all their own hells – I’ve been through this step before, almost all of my withdrawals and previous attempts at sobriety (minus the last year of sobreity have been documented). My withdrawal this time wasn’t bad, because I wasn’t using long.

How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself and others?

I get really unstable, manipulative, and secretive. I’m overly honest in sobriety as a preventative…as soon as I start intentionally keeping things from people, I’m screwed.

I’ve disappointed the hell out of people, which is the most painful part when it comes down to it, as well as wasting my potential as a human being.

 

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