Denial

Have I given untrue but plausible reasons for my behavior? What were they?

In addiction I used many excuses for my behavior. Too much stress, relationship issues, ill health…I guess I use the same excuses for my behavior today, but I (usually) don’t act out the literal manifestation of my illness.

Have a compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I actually planned to act that way? When were those times?

I’m more guilty of this in relapse than I was in addiction. Tried to get high from one guy, couldn’t, said the damn thing was a test to see if he supported my recovery…after someone else came through for me. Yeah, ouch, that’s some pretty advanced headfucking. I don’t like the way I am around either person, so I’m not around either person anymore…

I’m also more guilty of “false flagging” than I was previously in life…I’m a “smarter addict” than I used to be, but my relapses haven’t put me in as dire straits as I was in addiction. I will totally lead someone on for meth, it’s…not something I’m proud of, but I’ve abstained from that behavior for quite some time.

How have I blamed other people for my behavior?

Oh, ouch. Another thing that I’m very aware I’ve been doing with this relapse. I’ve sort of been kicking men who use drugs around, like they’re worse than me somehow. I’ve been getting more psychologically aggressive toward them since I dated a normal guy after a tumultous relationship with another user…now I’m more aware of their concurrent frailty and roughness, and their manipulation tactics as compared to a man who hasn’t ever suffered from addiction, and I can’t go back without a sense of condescension toward them.

I am the only person responsible for my decisions, but my decisions must, at all costs defend me from people that encourage my shitty behavior. I can’t hold their behavior against them any more than I would hold my own against myself, and should maintain a psychological distance & loving-kindness toward them, like you should with any person who suffers from an illness.

Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better?

Guilty on both counts. I realize that only the program and luck have gotten me as far as I have gotten, and this little rendevous with drugs has taught me that my life can and will quickly return to the hell it was before I got clean. Thank God for that long stretch of sobriety I had – if I hadn’t known how good things could be, I’d still be out there.

I am, sort of, but if I knew better than I had, I wouldn’t have “needed” to relapse. I feel that I am a stronger and more better put together person because of my relapse.

Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?

Welp. I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to control my use of anything, but I managed to flee from drug use this time around before I had any serious consequences. I don’t think this is a maintainable way of life, however. I must stay vigliant toward my illness.

Am I avoiding action because I’m afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I’m worried about what others will think?

No. I’ve faced most of the consequences already, most people in my life know that I suffer from addiction, and the important ones who are…able to bear this knowledge…know I relapsed.

 

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