Unmanageability

What does unmanageability mean to me?

A life that is hard to control; hallmarked by unpredictability, unsteadiness, and unhappiness.

Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my addiction?

No, besides having uncomfortably long conversations with police officiers.

Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I were caught? What have those things been?

Yes. Transporting drugs with intent to sell over county lines, selling and using drugs that are felonies in my state, prostitution, a few party to a crime charges that I won’t go into.

What trouble have I had at work or school becaue of my addiction?

Uneven preformance, missed days of work and school. Late school work.

What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my addiction?

A horribly damaged relationship that I am slowly rebuilding.

What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my addiction?

Arguments over the safety and sanity of my actions, arguments about my well-being, basically all arguments over me being a short-sighted selfish asshole.

Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?

Sometimes. I’ve gotten better at compromise with time and am better at defending my own interests than I used to be. I’m generally a go with the flow person outside of addiction, though.

Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lak of consideration had on my relationships?

Yes, now I do. I need to put my sobriety above the other needs of myself and the wants of others at times, however. Lack of consideration has destroyed and damaged a lot of my relationships.

Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsbilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?

Yes. No, I have difficulties with being overwhelmed at time, but I’m getting better at self-care and using a support system. This has impeded my progress in life and necessitated me being in a half-way house for some time.

Do I fall apart the minute things don’t go according to plan? How has this affected my life?

No, I’m not a total infant. This has made me a bit of a support person for people less healthy than myself.

Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life?

No. This has made challenge something I appreciate for and chase at times.

Do I maintain a crisis mentality. responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life?

No, I’ve grown out of that. Panic only leads to actions that are less intelligent than decisions I would make with a clear head. I avoid people and situations that make me panic now.

Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking things will workk out somehow? Describe.

I’m currently getting my health checked over following a random leg breakage. I have no children, so I’m not guilty of child neglect.

When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction? Describe.

Yes. Sometimes I’ve been too intoxicated to care of defend myself. This has resulted in various forms of abuse and a rape.

Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe.

I’ve never physically harmed anyone, but I have said abusive and ill-tempered things I regret, and been a general chaotic asshole to be around. I haven’t worked up to the formal apology step, the farthest I’ve gotten is the fifth step.

Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe.

Oooh, I used to have a problem with that. I kept my head calm before relapse and managed to keep relatively calm during my relapse, sans some groveling and self-abasement.

Did I take drugs or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress?

Yes. I take drugs to nullify negative emotions and deaden conflicting thoughts and feelings. Confliction between thoughts and feelings is becoming my number one source of relapse. My feelings want one thing, and my brain detests that course of action is the general script that my relapses follow.

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4 thoughts on “Unmanageability

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  1. My best friend sent me your blog. Lucky me. Truly inspiring writing.
    I’m in despair at the moment.
    I need to go to steps. I’m thinking these questions are from steps?
    I’ve never done steps, I go to a few meetings, think I’ll manage alone, relapse, repeat. Need a sponsor I won’t delete in two days. How did you do this please?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi there! Glad you’re here, and thank you. It took me a really, really long time, so be patient with yourself. These questions are from the Narcotics Anonymous step-working guide, you can get it at Amazon or a recovery club.
      My advice is to try to make friends with more people at meetings. I’m like, intensely a loner, so I realize how hard it is to do…but the more you know people at meetings, the more likely you are to a)find a sponsor you’ll stick with, b) you’ll have a better support system. You can definitely get sober, but it involves a lot of change and openness. https://www.intherooms.com is a good site, I found my sponsor through them. They have online meetings and there’s a ton of different types of people there, so it’s a nice mix.

      Like

      1. Thank you so much for this referral. I know so little. I’m such a quitter/ also in Australia where the Community is tiny so as a loner it’s harder for me to find others to connect with. Thank you for your time joss, I so appreciate it. Going to check the link now

        Like

      2. Just joined as LivInOz. Only finding very old messages tho. Not the easiest to navigate.. The admin has welcomed me and told me to watch instruction video. Will do later today. Thank you again

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