There’s a period of life where we swallow a knowledge of ourselves and it becomes either good or sour inside.
Self-knowledge is the bitter elixer which heals addiction and ironically, self-obsession. Obsession with self is one of my difficulties. Maybe that’s not quite the right word, as self-obsession brings images of narcissism and pure self-concern. It’s more neurotic worrying about self and countless other things. I also spend a lot of time alone these days, because I’ve had to dump most of my social circle of the last few years out of self-protection…I’ve had to do this a few times in adult life, it’s hard to make healthy friends for me.
Maybe it’s normal to be concerned with yourself to a point. I know I used to not have much of a sense of who I was, and I’d put a stranger above myself in a minute, if it didn’t interefere with my addiction. Oh geez. Maybe I’m just integrating the different parts of my psyche more now. Low self-worth was and is a problem for me, but I’m learning I have to value myself – I’m the only one I can count on.
The more I know myself, the good and the bad, the less I worry. The ugliness inside motivates me to do good and grow as a person. I’m certainly not the person I was three years ago – thank God! It’s scary how easily I can be influenced back in that direction. I thank God for the rooms.