Did I believe I could control my using? What were some of my experiences with this, and how were my efforts unsuccessful?
Earlier in my life, yes. I’ve detoxed and withdrawn on my own, to great failure. I kept picking up, time after time, lesson after lesson.
What things did I do that I can hardly believe I did when I look back at them? Did I put myself in dangerous situations to get drugs? Did I behave in ways of which I’m now ashamed? What were those situations like?
Picking up strange men is a start, ouch, going to get high with strangers, sleeping with strangers, basically I’ve known a lot of strangers quit well in brief, momentary relationships while exchanging felonies and other sins. They were teneous, straining, and strange, and I just went on acting like a little ray of sunshine.
Did I make insane decisions as a result of my addiction? Did I quit jobs, leave friendships and other relationships, or give up on achieving other goals for no reason other than that those things interfered with my using?
Yes. I became a full-time user of drugs and people for several months, and lost my ambition to have a career or education for several years.
Did I ever physically injure myself or someone else in my addiction?
I’ve bruised and mildly injured myself, but I’ve never hurt someone else physically.
How have I overreacted or underreacted to things?
I tend to keep a straight face during crises, and don’t allow myself to have emotions.
How has my life been out of balance?
Too much focus on maintaining negative relationships, not enough on building up my future.
In what ways does my insanity tell me that things outside myself can make me whole or solve all my problems? Using drugs? Compulsive gambling, eating, or sex seeking? Something else?
Everything except gambling? I have a whole panoply of addictions which interact and exchange dominance with each other. It’s a difficult beast to fight – it’s like the hydra. Schlickety-Schlick one head off, and all of a sudden two other problems get worse. Now I’ve decided to let go of the fight and let God decide.
When we’ve acted on an obsession, even though we knew what the results would be, what were we feeling and thinking beforehand? What made us go ahead?
It’s a build up of anxiety, and feelings of low-self worth, and the feeling that things can’t get worse or will get worse if I don’t give into the compulsion.